Cheap Things to Do On Summer Vacation

I am a Occupy-Your-Time-On-Summer-Vacation Expert. I will continue to provide you with Tips and Tricks for CHEAP summer vacation fun.

Sit in a lawn chair in your front lawn. Blow kisses at the cars that drive by.

Turn your television on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Get out a bible and turn to the Ten Commandments. As you watch, put a star by the commandments as you see them being broken.

Plan elaborate camping/hiking/adventure trips. Do this while you sit on your couch in your sweat pants eating potato chips. Never go on any of them.

Go to all the thrift stores in your town. At each one, buy something for a dollar or less. When you get home rank them not by value, but by smell.

Dress up in the clothes of your significant other or parent. Stand in front of the mirror and say annoying stuff like, "Shouldn't you take a shower today?"and "Don't you think it is inappropriate to drink a 12 pack of beer before lunch?"

Bad Television Show Concepts

Its been a while since I posted. Education conferences and traveling has got in the way. I now have more free time... Yay!

So the other day, I tried to think of some of the worst concepts for television series. This is what I came up with. If you can think of any better, leave them in the comments below.

A woman explains different ways to part your hair and demonstrates it on several of those large mannequin heads.


A guy goes around to different doors and guesses if it will creak when he opens it. He then opens it to see if he is right.

Pictures from famous events in history are shown. Two kids point at different people's butts, make fart noises, and laugh uncontrollably for a half an hour.

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Jackknife by Jeff Donnelly and Erik Randall

Christmas is my favorite holiday. Who doesn’t love getting presents? I’ve been trying to get my birthday on the national calendar for years, but until that happens Christmas is my favorite. The months leading up to Christmas I am constantly dreaming of what commercial goods I will receive in celebration of Santa Claus' birthday. But, this last Christmas was among the most awesome. I received a jackknife.
 
My Jackknife came in an army green pouch made of that material that only a jackknife can justify. The manufacturers don’t mess around, the pouch comes standard with a Velcro seal, and the knife itself has every gadget a Man could ever need. They even thought ahead and added a flashlight. Have I used it yet? Heck no, son! But, I am ready for anything!
 
I’ve run through the scenario a thousand times in my head.  I’m just sitting there in my Chevy Love pickup, while my buddy runs into a Circle K to fetch us two Thirstbusters, Oh, man what I wouldn’t do for that Thirstbuster right now. It's so hot the heat waves formed a union and  are suing the Miami Heat for mis-representation  and I am trying to figure out why I’m sitting in this non-air conditioned chevy love! Then someone that obviously means me harm begins his approach toward me.  I already know what he is thinking, “Hey, that guy must have air conditioning, screw robbing this Circle K … easy target!”  Well pal, you thought wrong.
 
My assailant approaches. Despite the fact that he says nothing, I know he means business. Not like negotiating business, like fighting business. Maybe its one of those gang initiation things you are always getting mass emails about. I hate those things, like the one about hypodermic needles in seat cushions.  No time to think, it's GO time.
 
As he approaches, I pull the Jackknife out of the glove compartment as casual as James Bond. Not, the new Bond - but like Pierce Brosnan. And not the last Bond movie Pierce was in. That one sucked.  Anyway, I step out of the vehicle, looking as tough as a guy wearing Birkenstocks, plaid shorts, and an Amish-style neck beard can look.  Without warning, he tries to roundhouse kick me.  He thinks I am looking for a punch, so I will never expect a kick. What an idiot! I spin quickly to the side, cunningly dodging his kick.  I give him my toughest Dirty Harry look, which just so happens to be the face I make when I try to add numbers together and I have to carry. My angry math face doesn’t deter the attacker. Instead he one-ups me with his angry multiple division face. It looks like he is even trying to divide decimals when it is obvious his math skills cannot go beyond the 4th grade! He pulls off his shirt to show his steroid-laden muscles and a tattoo of a pirate flag on his chest! Really pal - did you once work at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? A crowd starts to gather – a few old people, random children, and a few good looking women in bikinis carrying 18x24” cardboard signs with numbers.  No one intervenes, and the crowd is hungry for blood.
 
The shirtless man spits a huge wad of snot and saliva to the battleground. It makes a bat-ting sound like in cartoons, then he swings at me with a right cross.  I duck it, and do one of those get-a-load-of-this-guy faces while parading around the ring.  The crowd laughs. Its time for the grand finale: I reach into my pocket, and grab the knife.  Just as I make the transfer, here comes that big dumb idiot swinging the putter he just stole from the back of my truck.  As he comes down to try to pop me on the head I dart to the side and plunge the blade into his spleen.  He drops - I’ve stunned him. He looks at me confused, and then looks at his side. Falling to his knees, he sits there for like three seconds, before finally falling directly on his face.  The crowd bursts into a golf clap which progresses into a game winning home run roar.  
 
My buddy rushes over, and we do one of those jumping in the air high fives. I pull my knife out of the guys’ side, wipe it clean and tuck it away in the belt holster. Oh yeah, it came with a holster. My buddy is still standing over the dude’s body in shock. “It’s about time you get here with my damn Thirstbuster!” I say loudly, making sure the bikini girls hear me. I snatch the drink and escort my buddy to the Chevy Love. As I drive away, I wave to the crowd and the beautiful girls blow me kisses.
 
When my friend finally gets over the shock, he asks what happened. “Not much… I had a JackKnife, he didn’t.” We both laugh and high five again as I burnout of the Circle K.

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From My Mom on My Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday. For my birthday, my mom wrote this post. I love you Mom!

Erik showed a keen sense of humor at a very young age. He crawled around on the floor trying to bite my foot and then his Grandma's. Back and forth he went laughing. He was an amazing kid with a photographic memory because I gave him my work number once when he was only four and he remembered it a couple weeks later. His Grandma was taking care of him and Ali and she went into a diabetic coma. The strange thing was Erik asked me if he could call me at work sometime and he wanted to practice on our phone. He often surprised me by the things he was thinking about for his age. He got a teddy bear from the paramedics and they said he was very brave and smart.

He always loved to tell jokes that he made up and he would laugh so hard he would fall off his chair. He loved to wear hats and hated Halloween and haircuts. He was easy to potty train because he went in his diaper he just jerked it off and threw it on the floor and went about his business. He loved the Scooby doo cartoon and his favorite book was a Bert and Ernie book. The book went something like this: Bernie what did you do with the milk? I put it in the cookie jar. Ernie says what did you do with the cookies and Bert says I put them in the breadbox and on and on it goes. I read that book to Erik so many times a day that the pages fell apart.

His chore was talking the garbage cans in and out and he always left a trail of garbage. Once, when I didn't have his allowance ready he got really mad and threw his wallet at me. He was quite the saver. One time I asked him if we could use some of his money for something and I would pay him back and he very firmly said no.

We took a trip to the Children's Museum with some friends and when we got to the schoolroom that is where he wanted to play - not the fire station or the post office like most kids. He wanted to be at the chalkboard talking and writing and he asked me to sit in the classroom chair. He was the only kid in there and I was the only parent. That's when I asked him if he wanted to be a teacher when he grew up? I guess he did.

Love you Erik

Happy Birthday

Dirk Nowitzki: What I Know, What I Assume

Dirk Nowitzki is this guy.

Here is what I know about Dirk Nowitzki:

1. He is from Germany
2. He plays NBA basketball for the Dallas Mavericks.
3. He is probably one of the best all around players in the NBA.
4. He is currently playing in the finals against the Miami Heat.

Here is what I assume about Dirk Nowitzki:

1. He smokes unfiltered cigarettes.
2. He listens to Daft Punk before games.
3. He hates the Treaty of Versailles.
4. His brother is in the Spin Doctors. Also this.
5. He talks like the ogres from this show.
6. He has a recurring nightmare in which he is Pau Gasol.
7. He likes to fart in the bathtub.
8. He dresses like the Commander from Das Boot every Halloween.
9. He is one of those guys that is lucky because he can eat as much asparagus as he wants and his pee never stinks.

Now I am a sportswriter!