Life Lessons Part 1

You catch more bees with honey than you do by getting drunk and texting them real late at night.




Note: If it is a life or death situation and you HAVE to catch bees you should probably just do this.

Read My Local Newspaper!

So as any good 'Merican should, I like to wake up and read my local 'pap' (said with the accent of a turn of the century newsboy). Anyhoozle, I like to start with the funnies/opinion section. So I read this today. It starts off talking about how some Mexican National was executed in San Antonio, and then it goes off on some tangent about Obama and the United Nations that invariably also goes into gun control, just like the ramblings of a crazy person would.

On any given day, there are at least a few articles criticizing Obama or the Democrats or the like. Whatever, politics. At least one of these is written by an insane person. Conspiracy theories are mainstream in this newspaper. Just for fun, read this letter." It starts off pretty normal, then - woo boy! I didn't cherry pick these, they appeared two days in a row. So there is that.

Barack Obama is to blame for Caylee Anthony, the NFL Lockout, my constipation, hippies, and internet pornography.

More Erik Randall Writing Fun

While I still like to write fun/humor pieces, a lionshare of my focus has been spent on launching  my new website www.historyforfree.com . Go there and see all the fun historical research and writing that I am doing. 

Here is a fun piece I wrote about Nazis doing methamphetamine during World War II.

Enjoy!

Eatin' Cupcakes

Every time someone offers me a cupcake, I take them up on the offer.  Cupcakes are good, and it isn't too crazy to eat a cupcake.  You can even eat a cupcake after lunch.  When people offer me a piece of cake, I usually have to ask them a lot of qualifying questions.  How big is the piece?  What kind?  Why does everyone in this office have so many birthdays?  Seriously, this is like the third one this week.  We are going to get diabetes.  Not so with cupackes.  I am a fan of cupcakes.

Before I take a bite, I usually pause and do a little prayer that someone didn't put something in the cupcake though.  You know, something like poo.  That would be gross. Poocakes.

Love

Love means never having to say you are sorry.  Except when you are, because you did something stupid.

A NEW STORY

FANNY AND THE (MOSTLY) TRUE STORY OF THE YUCKY, GROSSFART

One day Fanny* farted and it smelled bad.  It smelled like gross poop.  The smell was so gross that I fainted, butbefore I could do that I threw up.  WhenI woke up I saw my barf so it made me barf some more.  Then Fanny* came in and tooted again and thewhole world blew up.

THE END

*Someone wouldn’t let me use her REAL NAME

How To Tell If You Are An Alien Part 2: Reader Response!

In April, I wrote about how to tell if you are an Alien, which you can read here. Suprisingly (or not so), several people have found the blog by typing something akin to 'how to tell if you are an alien' into Google (you would probably be surprised how many people find it by typing in Dirk Nowitzki smokes cigarettes). Anyhow, on my alien blog post, a person (or life form, I suppose) by the name of NYCGIRL - who I assume is connected to NYC somehow and a female - asked me several questions. I felt it would make sense to answer each question and turn it into a blog post. Her questions are in bold and my responses are below each question.

Does having a slightly turned-in fourth finger of each hand count? The fourth fingers of BOTH of my hands do, (so do those of all my relatives!)

Since you have relatives, you are probably not an alien. Aliens don't recognize blood relation as such, since the laying of massive eggs in a communal style makes it difficult to tell which baby alien is your progeny. This is of course, you meant to say "relatives" meaning not really relatives and thus makes it kind of a *wink wink* thing. Clever you.

How about being interested in the occult and paranormal?

No, there are a lot of weird humans interested in this. Besides, aliens would just refer to this a 'science' and 'normal.'

Being able to compose music on anything, given half an hour?

Woah, that is impressive! Even a package of after dinner mints? A collection of souvenir smashed pennies? Even if you just meant musical instruments, that is pretty damned impressive. That is like a super human power! You know who else have super human powers? Aliens.

Having the compassion of Mother Theresa at some times, and the ambition of Julius Caesar at others?

Aliens are known for their violent mood swings and inconsistent personality traits.

Liking "The Twilight Zone", "Alien Nation", and "Sweet Valley High", (because of the witty dialogue!)

Yes. Yes (but only if you wanted the Newcomers to kill everyone). Undecided.

Being unable to resist barbeque potato chips?

Try making (and eating) these. But seriously, are you really unable to resist barbecue potato chips? Do you sweat if you are unable to eat them? Are your fingers constantly stained from eating them? I watched this episode of a show where some lady was addicted to corn starch. She ate it constantly and it was super gross, and she was doing all this damage to herself by eating it. She ate like three boxes a day or something. That is way gross. If that is the way you are with barbecue potato chips, at least it is kind of excusable because barbecue potato chips are pretty good.

Hmmm..maybe I'm just a super-intelligent Human, (sigh...and disappointment! : )

What is that at the end of this sentence? Some weird alien signal to all your friends to attack my home or something?

Anyhoo, thanks for taking the time to write to me, Alienface.