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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How To Tell If.... You Are an Alien

If you are most like people, you are probably confused/scared that you might be an alien. Don’t worry, at one time I was worried too.

  1. You crave human flesh - I think this one goes without saying, really.
  1. You have a big head - Not just a normal big head – a REALLY big head. You could also be an alien if you had a small head. Actually you could also be an alien if you had a medium sized head.
  1. You have the urge to probe someone - One of the most common things you hear from Midwestern farmers when they report alien encounters is that they were probed, usually anally. This makes sense, because Aliens are confused about the human butthole.
  1. You are sensitive to alien putdowns - Whenever you and your friends are sitting around talking about aliens and one of them says something derisive about aliens do you get offended or upset? If you answer yes to this question, you might be an alien.
  1. In movies, you root for the aliens – You know that movie ET? Remember when those guys in the suits took him away from that kid? Did you feel bad? Well, you shouldn’t feel bad for that weird alien. You should have been happy about that. If you weren’t, well…
  1. You rarely get sick – Remember that flu that went around the office/school/your place of business? Did you get it? You should have. Humans get viruses and their bodies are adversely affected by all sorts of microorganisms. There is Swine Flu and Bird Flu. There is no Alien Flu – I read in a magazine that scientists proved this.
  1. Analyze your dreams – You know that recurring dream you have? Where you emerge terrified from a fluid-filled larvae sac? These are not the kinds of dreams humans have. Humans dream that they are in a house that looks like their house, but it isn’t really their house. Also, they usually kill someone in it.
  1. You don’t like this list – This list is genius. Who cares what a stupid alien thinks anyway? Non-aliens - you are welcome.


  1. Does having a slightly turned-in fourth finger of each hand count? The fourth fingers of BOTH of my hands do, (so do those of all my relatives!) How about being interested in the occult and paranormal? Being able to compose music on anything, given half an hour? Having the compassion of Mother Theresa at some times, and the abition of Julius Caesar at others? Liking "The Twilight Zone", "Alien Nation", and "Sweet Valley High", (because of the witty dialogue!) Being unable to resist barbeque potato chips? Hmmm....maybe I'm just a super-intelligent Human, (sigh...and disappointment! : )

  2. NYCGirl -

    Thanks for reading and the questions!

    I think I am going to answer your questions in a separate blog post in an upcoming post. I'll link to your blog, if you would like.

    Thanks again.