Love

Love means never having to say you are sorry.  Except when you are, because you did something stupid.

Cheap Things to Do On Summer Vacation

I am a Occupy-Your-Time-On-Summer-Vacation Expert. I will continue to provide you with Tips and Tricks for CHEAP summer vacation fun.

Sit in a lawn chair in your front lawn. Blow kisses at the cars that drive by.

Turn your television on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Get out a bible and turn to the Ten Commandments. As you watch, put a star by the commandments as you see them being broken.

Plan elaborate camping/hiking/adventure trips. Do this while you sit on your couch in your sweat pants eating potato chips. Never go on any of them.

Go to all the thrift stores in your town. At each one, buy something for a dollar or less. When you get home rank them not by value, but by smell.

Dress up in the clothes of your significant other or parent. Stand in front of the mirror and say annoying stuff like, "Shouldn't you take a shower today?"and "Don't you think it is inappropriate to drink a 12 pack of beer before lunch?"

How To Tell If.... You Are an Alien

If you are most like people, you are probably confused/scared that you might be an alien. Don’t worry, at one time I was worried too.

1. You crave human flesh - I think this one goes without saying, really.

2. You have a big head - Not just a normal big head – a REALLY big head. You could also be an alien if you had a small head. Actually you could also be an alien if you had a medium sized head.

3. You have the urge to probe someone - One of the most common things you hear from Midwestern farmers when they report alien encounters is that they were probed, usually anally. This makes sense, because Aliens are confused about the human butthole.

4. You are sensitive to alien putdowns - Whenever you and your friends are sitting around talking about aliens and one of them says something derisive about aliens do you get offended or upset? If you answer yes to this question, you might be an alien.

5. In movies, you root for the aliens – You know that movie ET? Remember when those guys in the suits took him away from that kid? Did you feel bad? Well, you shouldn’t feel bad for that weird alien. You should have been happy about that. If you weren’t, well…

6. You rarely get sick – Remember that flu that went around the office/school/your place of business? Did you get it? You should have. Humans get viruses and their bodies are adversely affected by all sorts of microorganisms. There is Swine Flu and Bird Flu. There is no Alien Flu – I read in a magazine that scientists proved this.

7. Analyze your dreams – You know that recurring dream you have? Where you emerge terrified from a fluid-filled larvae sac? These are not the kinds of dreams humans have. Humans dream that they are in a house that looks like their house, but it isn’t really their house. Also, they usually kill someone in it.

8. You don’t like this list – This list is genius. Who cares what a stupid alien thinks anyway? Non-aliens - you are welcome.

Tips and Tricks: How to Make Friends

Tips and Tricks: How to Make Friends

Below are some suggestions you can use to make friends. Good luck!

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People say laugh with people not at people. Those people are wrong. If you laugh at people you damage their self esteem. People with damaged self esteem are less discerning about the types of friends they have.

If you don't know what to say make something up. Make it historical, that way you sound smart. Did you know General Sherman was addicted to Laudanum? Of course you did, because you just made that up! Man, you are smart - and thus likeable.

When passing people in hallways at work, tip a pretend hat and say ‘M’lord or ‘M’lady’ (depending on the gender of the person you pass). This is fun, plus who doesn’t want to friends with the cool medieval person in the office?

People are usually friends with people that have similar interests. What do most people like? A lot of people like sex, or at least the idea of sex. When you meet people, you should always say "my name is (insert name) and I like sex." You are SURE to make friends this way.

Friends often listen to the other person when they have problems. You are probably going to have to sit there and listen to these people’s problems in order to maintain their friendship. Good luck with that. While the person is talking, try and think of something more interesting like new flavors of ice cream, Full House episodes, or blog post ideas.

That’s it! Now go makes some friends!